Loosing My Faith

Originally composed 3/22/2010

I make a concerted effort daily to be the best person I can be. I try to be honest, sincere, dependable, loving, kind, all the good qualities that were instilled in me from early childhood. I try to live by the golden rule "Do unto others as you would have done to you". In my friendships, these attributes are appreciated, admired and loved, but in intimate relationships, these attributes are abused and taken advantage of. This has happened so often in my life that I'm begining to loose my faith in ever finding someone who can love me and appreciate the goodness and love that I have to offer.

My most recent relationship lasted nearly three years. During this time, I tried my hardest to be understanding of my partners inability to commit, I tried to be respectful of his desire to keep our relationship private from all of his family, friends, co-workers, basically eveyone in his life. I accepted all of these things because I loved him and thought that in time, he would realize that no one would be as wonderful to him as I am. I was wrong. This was just the last in a long line of dishonesty and abuse of the love that I give. I'm ready to give up.

I've recently discovered that being a bitch actually gets me more, and gets me the behaviors and responses that I expect and want. This is quite contrary to my upbringing and personal belief system, however it's an attribute I think I need to adopt. I think that in the society we live in, this can be a great protective mechanism. It will be beneficial in protecting myself from emotional injury and trauma. Part of this "being a bitch" is putting out there exactly what my expectations are and not accepting any less. If you cannot fulfill my expectations, you are not welcome into my life and all that I have to offer. If you cannot reciprocate the kindness/generosity/love I give, you are not deserving of those things and so they will not be given to you. This will be my credo the next time I look for love, if that ever happens again.