How do I learn to trust? How do I learn to love? This has turned into something other than what I intended or expected, but I suppose writing is that way sometimes, especially when I am used to doing it in a journaling format. Thanks for letting me share.
Every relationship I have been in has been incredibly dysfunctional in one respect or another most often the dysfunctionality is related to infidelity. I don’t know if that’s what I have attracted to myself or if that’s what I’m attracted to, but it is a way of life for me. While living the single life I’ve done a lot of partying, a lot of being reclusive, a lot of soul searching and a lot of flirting. Now that I’ve had time to enjoy being single and free I find myself looking for love but have come across some problems that I don’t know how to get over or correct.
The first problem I’ve come across is I don’t know how to trust. If I’m told that someone can’t make plans, I think it’s because of another woman, whether that’s the case or not. I don’t trust that men are actually interested in me, even if they spend 5 out of 7 days a week with me. I question everything about the new relationships and way over think things that have been said or done. If I’ve called or texted, etc with no answer I think it’s because he is avoiding me or is with someone else. I have no trust in any man. Not even my “brother” who I know loves me more than life itself. I don’t know how I can open myself up to a relationship if I am not even capable of allowing a little trust.
My second problem is I don’t think I know how to love. I mean, I am a very kind and caring person. I will do anything for my friends. I have a huge heart for the people around me who have less than I do or who are struggling emotionally or financially. I am a great sounding board. I am actually FULL of emotion. But I don’t think I know how to love, or be in love. I am constantly switching back and forth between hot and cold and don’t know how to find a lukewarm. I think I’m learning though.
I have some of the most amazing people in my life. I have friends that truly care about me. During the darkest times in my life I know I can go to my brother’s bar and be told how beautiful and amazing and loveable I am. When I need to have a break from the flirting and dating and socializing, I know I can be myself with my friends and have no pressures to put on pretensions. I think that these friendships I have built are teaching me to love and trust myself. I believe that once I am capable of those two things, then I will be able to love and trust a partner.
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